The Catholic Church has once again affirmed my atheism. As only they can do.
An artist, Cosimo Cavallaro created "My Sweet Lord," a 200-pound, 6-foot-tall and anatomically correct sculpture of Jesus made of chocolate. This is a Jesus with a dick.
Shlong, prick, phallus, todger, wang, Johnson – choose your epithet – a Jesus with a penis. And it is about time.
Of course, it brings to mind the age old question: is there enough chocolate in the world to accurately depict the dick of the Almighty?
And of course, it brings out the ire of the Catholic Church.
"This would rank as one of the worst, most vile, obscene and blasphemous assaults on Christian sensibilities that I have ever seen," said Bill Donahue, president of the Catholic League.
Because I am a crank, with a day job, I have not done the research to know exactly what the Catholic League is, except to know they are assholes! I mean, seriously, fuck you Bill Donahue. Fuck you right in the ass with a chocolate dick!
Why? Well for starters, the Catholic Church should not even mention dicks without flagellating itself for the dicks of children they have molested, and covered up for decades. This is the child molesting church! Shut up and atone. Pay your victims without hiding behind bankruptcy, and spend a generation earning the forgiveness of victims through good works and abandonment of material goods. Then, my grandchildren may listen, without expecting a punch line, Catholic officials having anything whatsoever to say about dicks. Until then…up your ass.
Is it not okay to be offended by naked chocolate Jesuses? Well, sure it is! Be as offended as you want. And, don’t go to the fucking show! But for the New York Gallery to pull the show shows what a bunch of pussies they are. Here is another case where pussies trump dicks – even chocolate ones. I’m married, I know all about this.
But what I don’t get is why the folks at the New York Gallery didn’t just say to the Catholic League: “you might not want to come to this show.” To cancel the exhibit because of a particular church’s sensibilities was so cowardly, so craven as to defy words. So the Chocolate Jesus is unconventional, even absurd. So what?
There are few things more absurd than the fairy tales of the Old and New Testaments. These literary homilies had traction in their day as parables for living the good life. Taken in the context of a warrior-like, nomadic people who settled among competing religions, and, over a millennia, adapted to an empire, may even make some sense - WHEN NOT TAKEN LITERALLY!
Hasn’t the Catholic League ever read a book on myth by Joseph Campbell? Have they not considered the trial of Galileo juxtaposed against modern knowledge of the Cosmos? Do they find modern astronomy equally as offensive for proving that the Earth actually does orbit the sun?
Unfortunately, the Catholic League is not alone. Muslims have become irate at cartoons of Mohammad. I’m sure Buddhists and Hindus, Krishnas and Baptists and chicken worshipers will get equally as worked up when their dogma is challenged by logic, reason, common sense, and confectionary soft-core porn.
I say, go hard core! Chocolate Jesus ramming a Holmsian boner up the ass of the Prophet Mohammad, while the Buddha laps up the chocolate fuck-sweat from below. Shiva can show up at the door with a pizza, and ask, “How do you plan to pay for this?”
That would be art. And art belongs in galleries.
New York Gallery, hang your head in shame. You are the dry, stanky pussy of the art world. You cast out an artist. You bowed down to a religion that has slaughtered Muslims, launched pogroms against Jews, tortured Europeans, eradicated culture in the Americas, and for the 20th Century, molested the children of their own parishioners. Great choice.
Fuck you, NYG, with a chocolate dick
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