Where is Paris Hilton?

What with scandal, racism, more scandal, law breaking…(did I mention scandal), and of course, Anna Nichole Smith’s autopsy and fatherless, billionaire offspring, we have been missing something in the media circus. You know what I’m talkin’ about…

Paris Hilton.

Can it be that our media outlets are so busy covering the breaking news of a vibrant democracy that they can’t spare a reporter for the hotel heiress? Can it be that the responsibilities of the Fourth Estate are so daunting that such trivial matters as the Springeresque shenanigans of a spoiled, rich, publicity-addicted amateur porn star can’t be given valuable ink when our country has so many pressing issues?

Yeah, right.

Could it be that Ms. Hilton’s fifteen minutes are up?

No fuckin’ way!

Or, could it be that our own government is so fucked up, so freakishly corrupt, so stumblingly incompetent, so wicked hell-bent on the destruction of America that the antics of pseudo celebrities can’t even make the late edition? Yeah, that must be it.

Our president, meaning Dick Cheney, is such a soul-less monster that he makes Hollywood villains look tame by comparison. He really is Oilfinger, poised to destroy the world if he doesn’t get what he wants. And maybe even if he does get what he wants. And his puppet, our “elected” president should be driven from appearance to appearance in an armored clown car. I have known this for years, as have many. But the media seems to be just now breaking this story: “The President is Stupid, Corrupt and Incompetent.”

We seem to be cracking the veneer of this White House, as far as the media goes. And once the veneer is cracked, we realize that there is no pressboard underneath. It is a hollow coffee table that can barely hold up our mixed drinks, let alone the hardcover book of landscapes and the remote. These people who have been running the government are sick, evil people, and the press is trying to sort out the story without seeming like it has been under a dark spell for the last six years. And that is going to be hard.

Even Anna Nichole Smith couldn’t bury the Alberto Gonzalez story. That is such a colossal blunder by the White House – using the Justice Department as an extension of Karl Rove’s office – that it seems to be the straw that has broken the media camel’s back. Gonzalez is revealed as such a slimy weasel, and such a tool of Rove’s agenda, that the hounds are on his scent. As if holding a fire sale on wiretaps, data mining and authorizing torture weren’t enough to pillory him in a truly American media (and, they weren’t!).

The Scooter trial, the Gonzalez hearings, these are good starts, press. But you need to revive the ghost of Peter Zenger and hammer this administration. I know you don’t want to lose “access,” but you won’t lose it, even if you abuse King George like a red-headed Iraqi stepchild. Nobody believes a thing this president says. The 30% who still support him just hate liberals more. He is a fuck-up, a liar, and he has total distain for America and Americans. He may very well be a criminal, several times over. This is obvious to anyone paying attention for at least the last calendar year. The crimes of his administration make Nixon look like a three-card Monte hustler by comparison. The press can hammer him relentlessly and not lose ratings.

Press, you won’t lose access either. The bully pulpit only works if people listen. And they listen through you. Since FOX is losing viewer-ship, the White House needs you at least as much as you need a seat in the room where press conferences are held. Besides, there are only so many ex gay escorts who will be willing to sit through that drivel.

Press, you are the watchdog. Start acting like it! Start seriously sniffing the turds around the White House. Growl at those fuckers as they try to feed you a bowl of liar kibbles, instead of humping their legs like you have been. Dig up the dirt around this administration, and then bark and point at those who prove to be a danger to our country and our democracy. Or even if they are just a scumbag! When exposed completely, you can bite the ass out of their pants. Scandal enough to sell massive advertising awaits the aggressive news hound.

Besides, Paris needs ink! And Americans seem to need Paris. We are the democracy where less than 20% of polled citizens can name the Speaker of the House of Representatives, or the Majority leader of the Senate. We can consume scandal easy enough, but we don’t get the same buzz as we do passing judgment over celebrities when we have to pay attention to politics and governance. Just dig up the nasty cheese quickly, so we can discard the neoconservatives and get back promiscuous, drunken, second-rate celebrities. We like feeling superior to them. We can’t sleep well feeling so superior to our national leaders.

Unless…yes! Fuck Hilary! Paris in 2008!